Coming out: Who needs it more, society or the individual?

“Do you think they’re gay?”

“It’s obvious, why don’t they just admit it?!”

We’ve all been a part of a conversation like this. Endless speculation about someone’s sexuality is almost as common as talking about the weather these days. However, whereas in the not-too-distant past these chats may have been driven by homophobia, it is less clear what continues to fuel them in University café’s, office canteens and family homes filled with liberal, open-minded people who are not homophobic.

I don’t think society can deal with any sort of ambiguity anymore. Celebrity culture has left us with a sense of entitlement to every single detail about the lives of those we see plastered all over magazine front pages. Now, with Facebook, this has filtered down to our own lives and friendship groups – we are editors of our own online magazine, with a new headline released with every status update. We feel that we have a divine right to know everything about everyone, including an individual’s sexuality. The whole set up of social media allows us to place people in tickbox categories – so, when we scroll down a person’s online profile and realize that they have not revealed their ‘Interested In’ preference to the world, frustration builds and we feel personally offended. Why am I not worthy of this information?

When we can’t categorise an individual we begin to panic and that is when the gossip starts with a vengeance. If we are truly accepting of all sexualities, then why does it matter? Maybe it matters because our forward-thinking generation is not as liberal as we like to think we are. The requirement to be totally transparent in every aspect of life leads to the endless speculation and pressure on an individual to ‘admit’ to being gay. Both ‘admit’ and ‘confess’ both have extremely negative connotations. Admit is rarely, if at all, used in conjunction with a positive statement. In common speech, to admit is almost exclusively used to reveal wrongdoing. It does not add up that we use this language when talking about something that we insist is no longer taboo?

In today’s world I am not sure the wrongdoing that the word ‘admit’ hints to is referring necessarily to the act of homosexuality but instead the refusal to allow society to tick off the ‘sexual preference’ column once and for all. Just look at the recent furore surrounding the ‘is he/isn’t he’ debate surrounding Sam Smith at the start of the summer – you could almost hear the collective sigh of relief when he said that he was gay in an interview. Now the magazines and blogs have put that growing frustration and speculation to bed, we are allowed to go back to enjoying the music again.

Celebrity culture, filtered down into the social media age, has left us incapable of dealing with ambiguity. If someone does not reveal a certain aspect of their personality, it is as though they owe society an explanation, and until that happens, endless speculation will drag on. Chat shows, gossip columns, and not least friendship groups, cannot continue to act like they are doing someone a favor by pushing them (via continuous speculation) to ‘confess’ or ‘admit’ their sexuality. There is no doubt that coming out is often an immensely positive step for an individual but it really does need to be entirely on their own terms.