Election Time Bingo

So yesterday marked the official start of the election campaign in the UK. Optimistically, this will be an election full of passionate speeches, honest debate and discussion of policies. However, in all probability, it will end up with contradictory statements, avoidance of all difficult questions and pathetic little personal attacks. Here's a list of things to expect over the coming weeks...

Turning up on May 7th with still no clue - Because of the likelihood of this election lending in a hung parliament, the leaders of the two main parties are essentially not going to tell us anything. The reason for this is simple - should they have to enter a coalition with another party, or even an informal agreement, they do not want to have to break any promises they have previously made in order to do so (Lib Dems circa 2010). Therefore, expect to turn up on May 7th none the wiser than you are now - Labour are not going to discuss the scale of their planned tax increases, and the Conservatives are certainly not going to tell us where their £12 billion of cuts to the welfare budget are going to come from. Bad news for anyone wanting to make an informed decision.

Jargon – Get set for a barrage of meaningless rhetoric and election clichés. In real terms, the top down, bottom up approach, the man on the street etc. etc.

The Sun & co. – If ever we doubted the power of our newspapers, every five years we are given a reminder, in no uncertain terms, of the influence that they can wield over their readership. In the week running up to polling day, prepare for Rupert Murdoch’s cronies to drudge up some story (courtesy of an ‘unnamed close friend’) about how Ed Miliband once faked a sick note to get out of PE class in 1978, accompanied by the headline; ‘ED IS A LIAR’. In all likelihood, the Daily Mail will also start attacking his dead father again, ‘The man who hated Britain’. Or maybe even his kitchen. These baseless tactics will be employed by all the tabloids, and against all the leaders, so best steer clear. 

Farage with a pint – no further explanation needed.

A UKIP racist remark – I’ve heard it said that there is no such thing as a safe bet. However, this is a safe bet. Someone, somewhere, associated with UKIP, will say something offensive and Nigel will have to appear on the News. The jolly mask will slip and he will be forced to swap his smiley, pub face for his serious, apologetic face.

Party political broadcasts – You’ve got the TV on, excited for this week’s episode of The Voice, when suddenly David Cameron / Ed Miliband / Nick Clegg enters your lounge. With their faces in HD, they start posing rhetorical questions, using hand gestures to emphasis their point and then, suddenly, random minor celebrities appear on screen (e.g. Ross Kemp, 2010) to tell you who you should vote for. A bizarre and baffling dream that is over before you know it and bears no influence on your political decision.

Babies – Every single politician in the universe will start holding babies to show how human they are, complete with two nodding (and slightly-perplexed) parents stood next to them

Manifesto – a big, long, boring document that politicians occasionally refer to but no one really reads

Blunder – Last time around it was Gordon Brown and the case of Gillian Duffy. Poor old Gordon didn’t realise he had a microphone on as he climbed into his car and proceeded to describe Duffy as a ‘bigoted woman’. What was even more revealing was his fury that his PR person had allowed her to speak to him, alluding to the engineering of these false meet-and-greets. Who and what will it be this time?

‘There is an alternative’ – Clegg trying to dig up the good feeling of 2010 by distancing himself from the two main parties, except this time everyone knows he’s a massive sell-out. Remember his ‘tired of broken promises’ line from last time around… ha

‘Same old Tories’ – this will be used a lot by Ed Miliband, broken record etc.

‘Me or Ed Miliband’ – this seems to be the Conservatives’ entire campaign strategy, to try and reduce the election fight to a simple choice between Dave and Ed. They are clearly confident that their man will come out on top.

Outside No. 10 – Every evening, in the style of Big Brother, News Anchors all over the country will utter the words, ‘We now go live to our political correspondent at Downing Street’. Instead of Davina McCall, we will be given a quick update by a flustered-looking news reporter before they inevitably turn towards the door and say ‘…but who will be moving in here come May 7^th?’. The cameraman will then zoom in on the number ‘10’ in a futile attempt to build up the tension.

‘Red Ed’ – Right Wing media cannot believe how clever they have been by using alliteration to rhyme Ed’s name with the colour associated with lefty politics. We’ll probably hear this hilarious pun so many times that it will become a torturous mantra, like that Crazy Frog song (Ring ding ding ding ding ding)

Facebook – Your news feed will become a rainbow, as profile pictures transform from holiday pictures to blocks of red, blue, some green, a little yellow and a splash of purple. These will be supplemented by angry exchanges in the comment sections under passionate status updates. These will start off as impressive political debates, slowly deteriorating as more and more people pitch in, probably ending up with someone telling another person to ‘go and f*** themselves’. That said, social media does provide a great platform for social debate and it will be interesting to see how the various parties use it.

David Dimbleby – On the morning of May 8^th, when you wake up on the sofa and look at the TV (after a valiant attempt at staying awake all night to see the results come in), Dimbleby will appear on the screen, resembling a shadow of his former self, a man with bloodshot eyes who looks like he hasn’t been to sleep for about 765 years. At this point, no one even cares about the election – just let David go to bed, please.